So I had a panic attack in front of my mom today. She confronted me and I realized it actually triggers my anxiety a lot more now whenever I'm caught in a conflict. I hate what I've become. I wasn't always this weak. I was a happy kid. Now all I see in a mirror is a broken shell of who I used to be. I wish I could tell my mom everything. I wish I could tell her why I'm like this. But I can't. I can't tell her what destroyed me. We're already going through a hell of a ride with the pandemic and all, I just don't wanna add up to it. I don't want to disappoint her. She already feels responsible for what happened to me. As partly true as that may be, she is still my mom and I care about her. I just don't want her to get affected about it. This is my dilemma and I feel I should be responsible carrying the burden.
Not to mention I got what I wanted. I thought I was gonna lose my bf but instead he tried to make things right. A year from now I will probably move in with him. His mom already knows about it. He told me he already discussed things with his family about us and our next step. Such a drastic change from who he used to be. I guess change really does come with the guilt and pain of emotionally hurting someone. And I should be happy right? I mean...I am. I am happy. But at what cost would it be this time? After all the pain and sacrifice what would be left of our relationship once we meet each other again? Who will I be? Cuz frankly I don't think I can be who I used to be. I should be happy. I got him back. But why do I feel like something's missing? What is missing?