One month. 31 days. 744 hours. 44,640 minutes. 2,678,400 seconds.

 

Dear Diary,

A month from now my life will start changing. I will no longer be a teacher and I won't be seeing my friends for a long time, probably never. A month from now we will move to a smaller house to continue saving up so we can go back home. And in less than 2 months I will be right back where it all started. The place I left behind 3 years ago. I won't be friends with anyone I used to know since I cut them off from my life before I left -- except for this one girl I still chat with online. I don't know why I did that. Maybe cuz I didn't wanna feel the pain of leaving them behind. And maybe, in less than 2 months, I would be doing the same to my friends here. I think I already am. I've turned down their offers to bond and hang out, keeping to my isolated self most of the time. It's always been like this with me. I make friends, thinking they're for life, then something always happens that makes me give all that up all over again. 


3 years ago I would've given everything to go back home, to be with my boyfriend, to hang out with my old friends, to have my old life back. But now, I can barely imagine myself leaving this country. I met so many great people, ones I never thought I would have a special bond with, given my trust issues. Now I'm not even sure if I want to go back home. I'm not even sure if the place or the people I left is worth coming home to anymore. I've been so used to my life here, I built a comfort zone of my own. And now I have to leave it again. 


Why did you bring me here God? What for? I feel like I just wasted 3 whole years in return for lost friendships and a broken relationship. I feel like I came here to build my career and my social life and my financial status just to let go of all of that all over again. What did you bring me here for? What did you keep me here for? 


Hey M, guess what. For the first time in my life, I followed my own happiness. I chose me over my family. I'm choosing to go back home for one person I'm not even sure about. After 28 years, I made a choice for myself. And I'm happy...but why does it hurt so much? Why am I giving up what I worked so hard for for just one person? 


They all say I'm dumb. Maybe they're right. 3 years ago, I would've chosen him over my own life in a fucking heartbeat. Now...I'm starting to think if our relationship is even worth coming back to. We both changed so much. I don't know who I'm coming home to after 3 long years and it scares me. It scares the shit out of me. 


I hate changes. And I especially hate making them. This has got to be one of the biggest, life-changing decision I'm making my entire life. Some people think I'm doing this for me, for my own personal growth. Maybe I am. Maybe if I go home I would finally be that person I always was before I left. I was a happy kid back then. Contented, even when at times I barely managed getting through life. Because I had an anchor. I had someone I knew I could count on when things go south. But now, I'm not so sure if I still have that. I guess it is true. Pain really does change people.


Where the hell do I go from here? How the hell would I start? This time, I'm really all alone in this fight. Where there used to be "You and me against the world", there's just me standing at a fortress that's barely holding on. I'm all alone, and reality has finally caught up to me.

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